If you are one of those people who naturally faces confrontation with ease and grace, you are awesome. Really, truly, awesome. And if you are like me, you are still awesome (š), but we need a little help when it comes to getting things off our chest. Ok, we need a lot of help, but why is that? Why is it so hard to tell someone what is bothering us? For me, a few things come to mind:
1. I donāt want to hurt feelings.
2. I donāt want to get into a fight.
3. I donāt want to make things awkward.
4. I donāt want to ruin a relationship.
Ok, so yes, these are all legitimate concerns. But are they so scary that we should allow them to supersede our true feelings, leaving us to carry on as if nothing is wrong? Are they worth bottling up our emotions to the point of explosion? For the longest time, I answered āYesā to these questions. It seemed way easier to shove my feelings to the side and hold on to the hope that things would get better without actually having to talk about it. At 35, I finally understand that it doesnāt work this way. Iām still working on becoming the person who faces confrontation with total ease and grace, but Iām happy to say that Iām making progress. Mainly because I truly believe that my feelings matter too.
Recently, I had some emotions boiling within me. They had been there for awhile and were just building on one another instead of washing away as I had hoped. Even so, I never said a word. But then one day, something very minor happened and I lost it. I couldnāt sleep, I cried sporadically throughout the day and was otherwise a mute. Not good. It occurred to me that I could not go on like this and it was time to let my feelings out. So I did. It took a lot of courage, a little hand trembling and some tearful words, but I got them out. And guess what? I did not hurt the other personās feelings, we didnāt fight, things werenāt awkward, and the relationship was not even close to being ruined. In fact, quite the opposite happened. The other person empathized with me, loved me, and together, we discussed a way to make things better. And I know in my heart that the other person needed the talk just as much as I did and we are both much better for it.
Iāve been thinking about all of my confrontation fears and why none of them panned out in the above situation. One of the biggest contributors had to be the way in which I approached the conversation. What do I mean? I responded instead of reacted. My sister recently gave me this advice and it was one of those things you hear that immediately clicks and makes total sense. Responding versus reacting is a complete game changer when it comes to confrontation.
By responding, you do not attack the other person or use hurtful words, but instead explain your feelings in a calm and caring fashion.
In order for me to do this and still get my point across, it helped to write my feelings down on paper. I tried to take the other personās perspective into consideration as to best understand the situation prior to discussing it. When we sat down, I said things like, āI know you didnāt mean toā¦but this is how it makes me feel.ā and āPlease know the only reason Iām bringing this up is because I care and love you so muchā¦ā Because thatās really what itās all about, isnāt it? Caring and loving. We wouldnāt feel the need to confront people if we didnāt care and love.
By reacting, you will most definitely say something you donāt mean and will deal with regret on top of hurt feelings, fighting, awkwardness and possibly a ruined relationship.
There were plenty of times where I could have flown off the handle prior to our recent conversation, and while I could have said something sooner, Iām so glad that harsh and regretful language was never used. Because again, the only reason I felt what I felt is because I cared and loved so much. So why would I want to hurt someone I love, even if we both know it was in a moment of haste?
If you are thinking about confronting someone, it is most likely because you care and love the person. Sure, there are going to be those smaller scuffles in life such as when someone cuts in front of you in line, or when someone makes a big stink about nothing at the PTA meeting, but Iām talking about the bigger things. Iām talking about the relationships that matter in your life, the ones that make your life complete. These relationships are worth treasuring, and if confrontation is needed to keep the bond in tip top shape, then so be it. Remember, delivery is everything. Itās not what weāre saying, but how weāre saying it. Words have a funny way of sticking, which means we need to choose them carefully.
So the next time youāre faced with confrontation – what will you do?
A. Shove it to the side.
B. React with haste.
C. Respond with ease and grace.
I definitely vote C and I hope you will too. Do it for YOU and the ones you care for and love.
And with that, Iām off to Vegas yāall! If youāre lucky, you just might get a sequel to My Inner Party Monster post when Iām back. š
Cheers, Charlotte
xoxo
PS – Are my sisters amazing or what?! If youāve been following my blog, Iām pretty sure Iāve referenced at least one of their words of wisdom in every post. So if you like what youāve been reading, you can thank them too. Sisters, you are the best – I love you with all of my ā¤ļø!
Hi Charlotte, Your words were exactly what I needed to hear today. You would think at my age, I would know how to work through my anger and hurt. This was my daily dose that I was meant to be reminded of. Thanks sweet girl!
Karen
“God’s grace is a rainbow against even the darkest sky.” ( unknown)
>
LikeLiked by 1 person
Hi Karen! I’m so glad this came at the right time for you! Hang in there, getting your feelings out will feel SO good! š
LikeLike
I’m so proud of you beautiful Charlotte. You have blossomed into one amazing woman ! Love you so much. Wise words to share.
LikeLiked by 1 person
Awe, so nice, thank you so much!! Xo
LikeLike
I think this is such important advice. Thanks for sharing it so honestly. Confrontation is something I tend to avoid as well, but your words are hitting home, so thank you!
LikeLiked by 1 person
Oh good, you are so welcome š xoxo
LikeLike
Hi Charlotte, thanks for sharing! This insight is helpful for me in a different way. I tend to be the person who doesn’t hesitate to confront uncomfortable situations and I appreciate hearing the other perspective!
LikeLiked by 1 person
Oh I’m so glad, and congrats on being one of those awesome people, it’s a rare but great trait!
LikeLike